Spring Blossom, Autumn Sorrows

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

i took up my apple and knife and started to slice the apple i was going to eat into pieces. today, i have to decide this terrible truth- to break up with him or not. don't misunderstand me or what, cause i really love him a lot. but the problem is that if i continue to be with him, both of us will suffer immensely. so tonight, i had a date with him. i am going to tell him, no, force myself to shout at him that i hate him and that i do not want to be with him anymore. so i apply make-up on my face and wore a pretty dress with heels, all of them green. i took my handbag with me and walked to his BMW, smiling slightly. i wanted him to notice how uncomfortable i was with him, wanted him to ask me why, as i know, without him starting the subject i would never say those hurtful words at all.while driving, he looked at me with his gorgeous, green eyes. i scrutinised his dressing. on his beautifully carved body was a pleasant light blue shirt with white stripes and a pair of long, black pants. they suited him to a T. "what's wrong, Angelia? you look...well...sad. are you not enjoying yourself on our date?" he asked in his soothing, deep voice. " no, it is not like that,"i whispered, then loudly," look,erm, Jas, it is not that i don't like you or whatever, but i just feel...," i took a deep breath," i don't love you, i ... what am i talking about? i don't even like you! i hate you for having this rich, rich father, i hate you for always having this BMW, i hate you for your fancy dressing, i hate you for always making me stay in your shadow, always hidden from the public eye, i hate you for everything you have ever done for me, even for me!" i exhaled. Jasperia de britainia breaked. the whole car stopped abrubtly. he paused, then looked at me. " you ...h-hate me?" he asked, pain in his voice, his eyes scorching green, wet. "y-yes," i whispered, my voice cracked as my tears threatened to spill out of my eyes like two buckets of water. i shut them up and bit my lips. my heart hurts like a million, no, a trillion arrows had pierced into it. the pain was terrible, but i just couldn't let him see me break down in tears. i couldn't. he would see through my lies. it wasn't true. my words weren't true. the silence stretched longer than i would have expected, and i struggled to turn my sobs and gasps of pain and sadness into long, slow breaths. at last, jasperia started driving the car again, only that he was taking me home. at night, long after he had gone, i dived into my bed, grabbed a pillow and stuffed it into my face, hoping to muffle my cries of help from the pain and grieve that i was having deep inside my heart. how could i believe that i had said those words out? to him, the first man i had ever truly loved? how- oh, how, how, how could i? then i saw the knife laying on the table, the long, sharp piece of metal i know that would soon cut my throat , ending my life, allowing me to escape from the pain that i am experiencing now.so painful.... but it is all going to be over now...i love you, jasperia maceline georgia de britainia...

she told the story ... 00:48